A Tiburomoronic Crisis: Occupy CVS Tiburon

It's time to put it all in perspective. Whereever you live in the world, your community may be suffering from things like a bad economy, drought, an oppressive government, or even trying to recover from one of history's largest earthquakes and a tsumani a year ago. Still, your troubles pale when compared to the crisis currently being endured by the Marin County town of Tiburon.

It's not just a sign. It's a red sign. And, it's not just a store. It's a CVS store that does things like have sales on items like bathroom tissues. (They don't say "toilet paper" in Tiburon. Too pedestrian.) I kid you not. For weeks the town has been in a hubabaloo about whether or not the new CVS store could have a red sign out front, which would be consistent with its branding. Don't believe me? Here's the article in today's Marin Independent Journal.

"I'm just astonished that corporate America is throwing its weight around like this in a small town," said severely traumatized resident Steve Bendinelli, one of 50 residents who attended a Tiburon Town Council meeting to protest the sign. This is after 260 residents signed a petition against the sign.

So, this is about "The Man" forcing Tiburon's scrappy residents, who are in no way corporate CEOs or bankers themselves, to put up a red sign? Well, if that's the case, you know what you Tiburonites have to do. It's time to Occupy CVS Tiburon, brothers! That's right! Get out of those bay-viewing mansions, grab a tent at REI in neighboring Corte Madera and set up a camp right in the parking lot of the CVS in Tiburon. Don't worry about the kids, your domestic staff can watch them and make sure they make it to private school while you are occupado. This issue is more important than shelter! You need to take a stand, get out there and camp outdoors in a parking lot for at least a month to show "The Man" that he can't put a red sign in your town.

By the way, please let me know when you set up Occupy CVS Tiburon so I can set up a stand on the sidewalk that sells $12 glasses of chardonnay in the evenings and $6 lattes in the morning. You'll Occupy my kids all the way to college.

So, the next time you hit a rough patch in the road, just keep in mind that at least you don't have to deal with the problems that the residents of Tiburon, California face.

Party Like a Pope!

Tonight is the night! It's my daughter's first high school Turnabout. If you are unfamiliar with the term, as I was, it is the rebranded Sadie Hawkins Dance. Apparently, today's youth aren't familiar with that term.

The dance is being held in the Pope John Paul Student Center, so you know it's going to be awesome. Nothing says "party" more than having a pope's name in the venue. Thankfully, the Virgin Mary Dance Arena was already booked by the Shriners.

My daughter is wisely going with friends, rather than asking out a boy to the dance. Dances are already terrifying enough for most boys without being asked out. The night already presents many challenges for high school boys. First of all, it requires bathing and wearing shirts that have buttons. A hair brush may also be involved. This requires a lot more preparation time than most high school boys are used to.

Then there's the actual dance. Initially, there are the girls out dancing with each other while the boys are huddled against the wall attempting to appear like they are enjoying idle chit chat while actually cowering like a herd of wilderbeests in view of tigers. They are all having the same thought, "What if a girl actually walks over here and askes me out. Then what do I do?!"

If they notice a girl walking over, then the left brain and the right brain start arguing. The girl starts walking in slow motion while the boy's brain goes into full-on debate mode.

Left brain (consumed by puberty): "Hey, this could be fun. She smells nice. Maybe they'll play a slow song and I get to touch her shoulders. Could be awesome!"

Right brain (still able to think logically): "Dude! YOU CAN'T DANCE! You are going to look like a penguin being electricuted if you go out there. What if they play Lady Gaga and all the girls start dancing with each other and you are left alone doing the "Flaying Penguin" in the middle of the dance floor? Run, dude, run!"

For me, in high school the right brain typically won the arguement. To say I was mostly terrified of girls in high school would be an understatement. There were a couple dances that I "went to" that I actually couldn't get myself to go inside. I don't know if that made me shy, wimpy, terrified or just some combination of the three. Thankfully, in college, the left brain took over and I actually had a lot of fun at dances. Thanks left brain! More Prince, More Rick James, More Billy Idol! Bring it on!

So, to my daughter and her friends, I say,  "Have a great time. Enjoy the music and the dancing!" To the boys, all I can say is, "It gets better...really."

Let's Be Frank About Valentines Day

We're here again. It's that holiday that sneaks up on us clueless, distracted husbands every year. We vaguely know it's in February, but it still seems like you wake up one day and the radio proclaims that today is the day to celebrate your love.

Valentines Day is tougher as a grown up. When you are in elementary school, a generic card with a candy heart attached with some kind of toxic glue did the trick. Everyone in class had to get one so Stinky Phil who didn't bathe much wouldn't feel bad about not getting valentines.

When you hit college, Valentines Day consists of getting the good pizza that doesn't turn into plastic form upon cooling (Sorry, Pizza Answer, Eugene) and maybe even getting wine instead of beer to go with it. Follow that up with a midnight game of frisbee golf and romance can't be far behind. (Yes, I was that lame in college.)

When you become a 40-something dad/husband, Valentines Day takes on a new form. It's something that happens between carpools and work. You try to find a couple of hours to remember you are a couple that can talk about something more than...well, carpools and work.

People take different approaches to Valentines Day. I don't mean to discourage any in particular, but you might want to think twice about that reservation you have for tonight.

If you know people in the restaurant industry and have read Anthony Bourdain's books then you already know this. Anyone with 8 hours of vacation saved up at a restaurant is taking today off. They don't want to be anywhere near a restaurant on Valentines Day. Why is that? Well, diners on Valentines Day are sort of punching a timeclock rather than really enjoying the dining experience. They are going out to say they went out for Valentines Day and they aren't the restaurant's regulars and they probably won't be back again for a long, long time. So, in a word, they are cheap...really, really cheap. Valentines Day diners are known for ordering cheap and then tipping low, so the A Team at the restaurant is at their homes making risotto or albondigas for their loved ones instead of cooking in their restaurants.

So, who is cooking and serving in restaurants on Valentines Day, you might ask? Well, it's Stinky Phil from elementary school who has been dicing and slicing produce for months in the back of the kitchen and finally gets his chance to cook tonight. Is tonight the best night to order that seared Ahi with the raw core that has to be done just right so as not to get you sick? Perhaps not. I'm thinking burger well done is the way to go.

I'm lucky. My wife likes to eat at home on Valentines Day and I try my best to recreate a meal we had in Paris together for our 10th anniversary as we approach our 20th anniversary. Tonight's conversation at the dinner table should be particularly interesting as this is my teenage daughter's first Valentine's Day in high school. There should be at least one story about an awkward teenage proclamation of love or at least a Facebook "poke" or "like" to report.

A Brief Note From the Carpool
Hey you in front of me with the minivan with the racing stripes and the oversized wheels on it revving your motor in front of the middle school this morning...Don't Do That! Your minivan is not coming across as a Monster Truck even though you've clearly spent way too much money on it trying to get it there. Just settle down and accept that maybe your days of cruising the middle school at 7:40 a.m. are over and head on down to Cinnabon where you'll feel more at home.

So, whatever you decide to do for Valentines Day, whether it's cruising the middle school in your suped up minivan or braving Stinky Phil's latest creation at your local eatery, just keep in mind that Valentine's Day is just a day. We'll all get through this.

Gee, I Didn't Know I Needed That

Did you know the United States has an Olympic Women's Trampoline Team? I didn't either.

Yesterday, I was at MacWorld Expo. I hadn't been in more than 10 years so I wanted to see what's new in applications and software and I thought that would be a good place to do it. It turns out the show has shrunk to less than a quarter of the size it was 10 years ago. Gone are most of the megabooths that used to be at a show where companies would try and outdo each other. Most of the booths now are just 10 feet across.

This raises a problem. If the booths aren't very impressive anymore, then how do companies bring attendees into their booths? There were some creative approches. One company that was marketing earphones wanted to demonstrate that their earphones don't come off during workouts. To demonstrate this, they put a trampoline in their booth and had a member of the U.S. Olympic Women's Trampoline Team do various flips on the trampoline while noting that the headphones she was wearing stayed put. Do I remember the name of the company that makes the earphones? No. Do I remember what a women's trampolining uniform looks like? Yes. "Go USA!"

A few other companies decided models were the way to go. One 10-foot booth had no fewer than four models and another company with a booth of the same size had six girls in and around it. While certainly drawing their fair share of attendees, this created a problem for the companies, however. With four models and two sales people sharing a little 10-foot booth, there was no room left for any customers to actually enter the booth and see whatever these companies were exhibiting. They had created a sort of "Babe Blockade" between themselves and potential customers. Marketers have a rule that goes with trade show exhibits: There is a correlation between the lack of interest in a company's product and the number of models they hire to put in the booth.

"Gee, I Didn't Know I Needed That."

Wondering what to get your sweetie for Valentine's Day? Want to send her a message that every moment out with her is magical? Then MacWorld exhibitor IntoxiCase may have just what you are looking for to set the right tone. They've invented the iPhone case that is also a bottle opener. It's sort of the Swiss Army Knife of cell phones without all the practical tool parts. Says the brochure, "The Intoxicase was evaluated by dozens of bartenders and after hundreds of bottles opened all iPhones remained perfectly safe and reviews were exceptionally enthusiastic." The accompaning app detects when a user cracks open a bottle and offers "exciting characteristics" including "hilarious sound effects." It also keeps count of your drinks and will post "another bottle opened" on the user's social networks. It also displays a screen that shows how many gallons of beer have been consumed by the user. Your sweetie will be so proud!

"But, Didn't You See Anything Cool?"
Yes, thanks for asking. I saw artists mixing paints, creating colors and then create art on their iPads using the NomadBrush. This little brush and the accompanying apps make the iPad's screen behave like a palette with real liquid paint on it. Artists can even use tools like scrapers to add texture to their "paintings." It looks like a regular brush with real hairs and the "liquid" paint on the screen reacts to it just like it's a real brush. Very cool for creative types!

So, even though the show is a quarter of the size it used to be and even though departed Steve Jobs' rally was replaced by some applications developers sitting on Barcaloungers sharing their stories about programming apps to a less than rivited crowd, MacWorld still managed to soar this year...at least in the headphones booth.

The Day the World Stood Still...Well, Not Really

Wikipedia, Craigslist and a few other websites went dark yesterday to protest the proposed Stop Online Piracy Act, which they say would bring censorship to the Internet.

Did you notice? Me neither!



Suzanne Somers Pre ThighMaster

 It turns out I could go an entire day without having to look up a "possibly correct" community created definition for "Three's Company" (According to Wikipedia, "The show, a comedy of errors, chronicles the escapades and hijinks of the trio's constant misunderstandings, social lives, and struggle to keep up with rent."). I was also able to make it through the day without searching for a transvestite that does good landscaping work.

Could it be possible that these websites are not as vital to our day and they believe themselves to be? 

I mean, of course, this blog is essential reading for you. Where else can you learn about pooping toys and Japanese marketing campaigns? But still, maybe it isn't Wikipedia, Craigslist and other sites that should be taking a break from us. Maybe we should be the ones taking a break from them.

Maybe we are just a little too wired into the grid. It's like the guys you see walking around (and they are always guys) that have their cellphone earpieces in just in case they get a phone call. They aren't driving. They are walking through a store or an airport terminal. Is the information in their heads really so valuable that they need to be instantly available on that first ring...that opportunity would be lost if they had to pull the earpiece out of their pocket and place it on their ear?

Perhaps we can live without instant mobile access to puppies that dance online or that video of the jumping skateboarder that missed the rail and ended up eliminating a potential limb from his family tree. Maybe we don't really need to instantly know what JLo said about global warming at the American Idol warm up.

So, the next time the WIFI goes down and you can't get online. Take a breath. Everything's going to be alright. There are things going on in the world that you don't instantly know about and, you know, that's just fine.

Signs of Intelligent Life

I'm encouraged!

There are two data points that lead me to believe that as a civilization we are improving and this has me very optimistic this fine Friday.

According to USA Today, 2011 saw a dramatic drop in the number of people killed by lightening. As a matter of fact, nearly 90 percent of the people struck by lightening last year survived. They attribute this to a higher level of education. I'm not sure what education has to do with being struck by lightening. Does this mean fewer people freeze their tongues to metal street light poles during lightening storms because they are now inside reading the classics? I don't know. But, I find it surprising and encourageing that if I'm struck by lightening that I have a 90 percent chance of living. The next time there is a lightening storm it's time to head for the hottub! I don't actually own a hottub, but my neighbor does...

The other sign of our improving civilization is that ABC News reported this morning that the Kardashians are having trouble booking gigs because people have stopped caring about them. I haven't really understood the Kardashian phenom and I was under the false impression that Kimmy had been in a music video to get her semi-famous. My neighborhood educated me that Kimmy had actually been in a sex video and that made her famous. I, of course, immediately Googled the video and drew the conclusion that the video is amazingly well lit and photographed to be an "Ooooops, I didn't mean for that to get on the internet" kind of thing. Clearly, Kimmy raised the stakes on what someone will do to get her own reality show.

So, could it mean that we are becoming smarter as Americans? We are managing not to get struck by lightening and, when we do, survive 9 out of 10 times. And, we are learning to stop buzzing around the Kardashians like a moth fascinated by a lightbulb. Combine this with the fact that Charlie Sheen has not been quoted in a newspaper for more than a month and I think there might be some real hope that we are becoming a nation that thinks once-in-a-while. Granted, I'm setting the bar pretty low, but at least it's a starting point.

Japanese Stores Telling It Like It Is

Please note: the Motion Bloggers Association of America has deemed the following blog entry to be R-rated due to the use of improper (at least in America) language.

It's not just a sale. It's a Fuckin' Sale!

No. No. It's true. I kid you not. There are some marketing folks in Osaka that are finally telling it like it is. Their department store isn't just having a sale. They are having a "Fuckin' Sale."



Victoria's Secrets, Eat Your Heart Out

 Now I have to say as someone who has spent more than two decades in marketing, I find this really refreshing, even if it happens to be accidental.

Marketers have been trying to link satisfaction, wealth, attractiveness and sexual pleasure with their products since Ogilvy and Mather invented client double billing and the three martini lunch. The Japanese clearly said, "Hey, if we are trying to say this sale will equal a great sexual escapade then let's just go ahead and call it what it is!"

Or, maybe it played out like an episode of The Sopranos:

"Hey, Tony-san, you think maybe like we should have a discount of some kind?"

"Paulie-san, talk to me."

"You know, Tony-san, it's like a sale. Things are even cheaper for family. It's a sale."

"No, Pauli-san. It's not just a sale. It's a fuckin' sale."

"Fuggetaboutit."

Anyhow, I don't know how they arrived at it, but kudos to Japan.

But Seriously, Poor Me

If you haven't heard the wimpering an whining from your location, you may not be aware that I've been sick. When I catch a cold, my "man up" quotient goes to about 2%. I could be sitting in an emergency room next to a guy with a railroad spike embedded in his forehead and I'd be like, "I know that must hurt, but, seriously, I have the sniffles and my sinuses are really stuffy. Do you mind if I go in before you?"

Thankfully, my wife gave me a Kindle Fire for Christmas and thanks to Words with Friends, it is giving me something to do other than blow my nose. (By the way, Alec Baldwin, when you are going to friend me? We all know this is your game!) My 11-year-old son spanked me at Words with Friends and I'm strangely proud of that. While many men would wallow in the knowledge that they aren't as smart as a sixth grader, I choose to read this as a "my son is incredibly smart" moment. I mean that's the case, right? It's not that I couldn't pass sixth grade if I was enrolled in the class taught by my son's wonderful teacher whose name we still cannot pronounce. ("Hello Mrs. McKrackles...uh...McKringle...uh...oh, never mind.)

So, now that I'm back on the mend and feeling better. I think I will embrace life as the Japanese do. I'm not just going to take a bike ride this weekend. I'm going to take a Fuckin' Bike Ride. Would I like some fries with my burger? Hell no. I want some Fuckin' Fries with that! Bring it on, Tony-san!