Gee, I Didn't Know I Needed That

Did you know the United States has an Olympic Women's Trampoline Team? I didn't either.

Yesterday, I was at MacWorld Expo. I hadn't been in more than 10 years so I wanted to see what's new in applications and software and I thought that would be a good place to do it. It turns out the show has shrunk to less than a quarter of the size it was 10 years ago. Gone are most of the megabooths that used to be at a show where companies would try and outdo each other. Most of the booths now are just 10 feet across.

This raises a problem. If the booths aren't very impressive anymore, then how do companies bring attendees into their booths? There were some creative approches. One company that was marketing earphones wanted to demonstrate that their earphones don't come off during workouts. To demonstrate this, they put a trampoline in their booth and had a member of the U.S. Olympic Women's Trampoline Team do various flips on the trampoline while noting that the headphones she was wearing stayed put. Do I remember the name of the company that makes the earphones? No. Do I remember what a women's trampolining uniform looks like? Yes. "Go USA!"

A few other companies decided models were the way to go. One 10-foot booth had no fewer than four models and another company with a booth of the same size had six girls in and around it. While certainly drawing their fair share of attendees, this created a problem for the companies, however. With four models and two sales people sharing a little 10-foot booth, there was no room left for any customers to actually enter the booth and see whatever these companies were exhibiting. They had created a sort of "Babe Blockade" between themselves and potential customers. Marketers have a rule that goes with trade show exhibits: There is a correlation between the lack of interest in a company's product and the number of models they hire to put in the booth.

"Gee, I Didn't Know I Needed That."

Wondering what to get your sweetie for Valentine's Day? Want to send her a message that every moment out with her is magical? Then MacWorld exhibitor IntoxiCase may have just what you are looking for to set the right tone. They've invented the iPhone case that is also a bottle opener. It's sort of the Swiss Army Knife of cell phones without all the practical tool parts. Says the brochure, "The Intoxicase was evaluated by dozens of bartenders and after hundreds of bottles opened all iPhones remained perfectly safe and reviews were exceptionally enthusiastic." The accompaning app detects when a user cracks open a bottle and offers "exciting characteristics" including "hilarious sound effects." It also keeps count of your drinks and will post "another bottle opened" on the user's social networks. It also displays a screen that shows how many gallons of beer have been consumed by the user. Your sweetie will be so proud!

"But, Didn't You See Anything Cool?"
Yes, thanks for asking. I saw artists mixing paints, creating colors and then create art on their iPads using the NomadBrush. This little brush and the accompanying apps make the iPad's screen behave like a palette with real liquid paint on it. Artists can even use tools like scrapers to add texture to their "paintings." It looks like a regular brush with real hairs and the "liquid" paint on the screen reacts to it just like it's a real brush. Very cool for creative types!

So, even though the show is a quarter of the size it used to be and even though departed Steve Jobs' rally was replaced by some applications developers sitting on Barcaloungers sharing their stories about programming apps to a less than rivited crowd, MacWorld still managed to soar this year...at least in the headphones booth.

The Day the World Stood Still...Well, Not Really

Wikipedia, Craigslist and a few other websites went dark yesterday to protest the proposed Stop Online Piracy Act, which they say would bring censorship to the Internet.

Did you notice? Me neither!



Suzanne Somers Pre ThighMaster

 It turns out I could go an entire day without having to look up a "possibly correct" community created definition for "Three's Company" (According to Wikipedia, "The show, a comedy of errors, chronicles the escapades and hijinks of the trio's constant misunderstandings, social lives, and struggle to keep up with rent."). I was also able to make it through the day without searching for a transvestite that does good landscaping work.

Could it be possible that these websites are not as vital to our day and they believe themselves to be? 

I mean, of course, this blog is essential reading for you. Where else can you learn about pooping toys and Japanese marketing campaigns? But still, maybe it isn't Wikipedia, Craigslist and other sites that should be taking a break from us. Maybe we should be the ones taking a break from them.

Maybe we are just a little too wired into the grid. It's like the guys you see walking around (and they are always guys) that have their cellphone earpieces in just in case they get a phone call. They aren't driving. They are walking through a store or an airport terminal. Is the information in their heads really so valuable that they need to be instantly available on that first ring...that opportunity would be lost if they had to pull the earpiece out of their pocket and place it on their ear?

Perhaps we can live without instant mobile access to puppies that dance online or that video of the jumping skateboarder that missed the rail and ended up eliminating a potential limb from his family tree. Maybe we don't really need to instantly know what JLo said about global warming at the American Idol warm up.

So, the next time the WIFI goes down and you can't get online. Take a breath. Everything's going to be alright. There are things going on in the world that you don't instantly know about and, you know, that's just fine.

Signs of Intelligent Life

I'm encouraged!

There are two data points that lead me to believe that as a civilization we are improving and this has me very optimistic this fine Friday.

According to USA Today, 2011 saw a dramatic drop in the number of people killed by lightening. As a matter of fact, nearly 90 percent of the people struck by lightening last year survived. They attribute this to a higher level of education. I'm not sure what education has to do with being struck by lightening. Does this mean fewer people freeze their tongues to metal street light poles during lightening storms because they are now inside reading the classics? I don't know. But, I find it surprising and encourageing that if I'm struck by lightening that I have a 90 percent chance of living. The next time there is a lightening storm it's time to head for the hottub! I don't actually own a hottub, but my neighbor does...

The other sign of our improving civilization is that ABC News reported this morning that the Kardashians are having trouble booking gigs because people have stopped caring about them. I haven't really understood the Kardashian phenom and I was under the false impression that Kimmy had been in a music video to get her semi-famous. My neighborhood educated me that Kimmy had actually been in a sex video and that made her famous. I, of course, immediately Googled the video and drew the conclusion that the video is amazingly well lit and photographed to be an "Ooooops, I didn't mean for that to get on the internet" kind of thing. Clearly, Kimmy raised the stakes on what someone will do to get her own reality show.

So, could it mean that we are becoming smarter as Americans? We are managing not to get struck by lightening and, when we do, survive 9 out of 10 times. And, we are learning to stop buzzing around the Kardashians like a moth fascinated by a lightbulb. Combine this with the fact that Charlie Sheen has not been quoted in a newspaper for more than a month and I think there might be some real hope that we are becoming a nation that thinks once-in-a-while. Granted, I'm setting the bar pretty low, but at least it's a starting point.

Japanese Stores Telling It Like It Is

Please note: the Motion Bloggers Association of America has deemed the following blog entry to be R-rated due to the use of improper (at least in America) language.

It's not just a sale. It's a Fuckin' Sale!

No. No. It's true. I kid you not. There are some marketing folks in Osaka that are finally telling it like it is. Their department store isn't just having a sale. They are having a "Fuckin' Sale."



Victoria's Secrets, Eat Your Heart Out

 Now I have to say as someone who has spent more than two decades in marketing, I find this really refreshing, even if it happens to be accidental.

Marketers have been trying to link satisfaction, wealth, attractiveness and sexual pleasure with their products since Ogilvy and Mather invented client double billing and the three martini lunch. The Japanese clearly said, "Hey, if we are trying to say this sale will equal a great sexual escapade then let's just go ahead and call it what it is!"

Or, maybe it played out like an episode of The Sopranos:

"Hey, Tony-san, you think maybe like we should have a discount of some kind?"

"Paulie-san, talk to me."

"You know, Tony-san, it's like a sale. Things are even cheaper for family. It's a sale."

"No, Pauli-san. It's not just a sale. It's a fuckin' sale."

"Fuggetaboutit."

Anyhow, I don't know how they arrived at it, but kudos to Japan.

But Seriously, Poor Me

If you haven't heard the wimpering an whining from your location, you may not be aware that I've been sick. When I catch a cold, my "man up" quotient goes to about 2%. I could be sitting in an emergency room next to a guy with a railroad spike embedded in his forehead and I'd be like, "I know that must hurt, but, seriously, I have the sniffles and my sinuses are really stuffy. Do you mind if I go in before you?"

Thankfully, my wife gave me a Kindle Fire for Christmas and thanks to Words with Friends, it is giving me something to do other than blow my nose. (By the way, Alec Baldwin, when you are going to friend me? We all know this is your game!) My 11-year-old son spanked me at Words with Friends and I'm strangely proud of that. While many men would wallow in the knowledge that they aren't as smart as a sixth grader, I choose to read this as a "my son is incredibly smart" moment. I mean that's the case, right? It's not that I couldn't pass sixth grade if I was enrolled in the class taught by my son's wonderful teacher whose name we still cannot pronounce. ("Hello Mrs. McKrackles...uh...McKringle...uh...oh, never mind.)

So, now that I'm back on the mend and feeling better. I think I will embrace life as the Japanese do. I'm not just going to take a bike ride this weekend. I'm going to take a Fuckin' Bike Ride. Would I like some fries with my burger? Hell no. I want some Fuckin' Fries with that! Bring it on, Tony-san!

Fighting Smoke with Smoke

I admit it. I smoke.

Picture taken in Fairfax last Tuesday. Yes, really.

Now, living in Marin County, I could be forgiven, even applauded for smoking weed. ("Hello, Fairfax!") I could be tolerated, though still get unfriendly glares, for smoking tobacco. Thankfully, I don't do either of those things, except for an annual cigar, usually with my father-in-law. What I do is much worse, much less forgivable in the San Francisco Bay Area. I burn wood in my fireplace.

On those rare nights when my cellphone does not have a message from the Bay Area Air Quality Management District telling me what not to do, I heat just the room my family is in with a fire in the fireplace, rather than heating an entire two-story house with the gas furnace. I realize this may be painful for many Marinites to read. ("He seemed like such a nice guy until I found out he was poisoning the air. Well,...actually, now that I think of it, he was really more sarcastic and snarky than a nice guy, but still...")

So, you can imagine how relieved I was to read in today's paper that the MENSA club over at the Bay Area Air Quality Management District has people out in Priuses patrolling looking for fires. That's right, folks. They are out in cars driving through neighborhoods looking for smoke.

Al Gore: "BAAQMD is a key driver of climate change."

Now, I realize that many people believe Priuses are hybrid vehicles that run on electricity and love, but they actually run on a gas-fueled, carbon-emitting engine that is used to charge up batteries and run the car. If you have driven in a hybrid around Marin with its hills and winding roads, then you know that the gas motor is usually running when the car has to navigate our hilly terrain here.

That means the BAAQMD is actually out polluting while they are out trying to prevent pollution. And, we are paying people to go out and pollute while pretty much every local, state and federal government organization is saying they don't have enough money to provide basic services anymore. Does this make sense to you?

Light'em if you've got'em!

Steve Young, Jerry Rice and the Tramp Stamp

Sometimes it takes a fake tattoo to really express your love of the sport.

Monday, I went with three other dads to see the 49ers play the Steelers. Since the game started at 5:30 p.m., we did the prudent thing and caught the 11:10 a.m. ferry into the city. I mean you don't want to be late! Now, I don't know about your ferries, but here in the SF Bay area our ferries have bars. Since the four or us hadn't had a guys' day out since Clinton, we headed straight for the bar.

Dads one through three ordered a Black Butte Porter. This is a microbrew gift from Oregon and we appreciate it. ("Thank you bearded, hemp-wearing, beer-making Oregonians!") Dad #4 wondered about the wine list. The ferry bartender, who at this point was thinking "What's the deal with the grey hairs in football jerseys having beer for breakfast?", could offer no wine list for the morning rush so Dad #4 ended up having a Pacifico and manning up and we were proud of him for doing so.

You have to wonder if the bartender on the ferry originally took the job picturing the lovable Isaac on The Love Boat. He'd board the ferry everyday and help aging celebrities find romance while Captain Stubing would navigate the bay. "Hey, look. It's Charo!...again." Unfortunately, being a bartender on a SF Ferry is a little more like being a bartender on a bus with better dressed passengers. So, I'm sure "Dads Gone Wild" really made his day.

At the other end of the ferry is the Ferry Building (yes, you probably could have figured that one out on your own) and there resides the Hog Island Oyster Company. This is where history was to be made. As an aside, those of us that live up in Marin know that the real Hog Island is over in Marshall. It's a place where you either bring a cooler (to bring a bag of 50 home) or a bottle of Tabasco and a bag of charcoal (to grill up your 50 right there on Tomales Bay.) At the Ferry Building, it's more of a restaurant with a large horseshoe oyster bar.

The manager was very cool and found us a spot next to some other football goers starting their own pub crawl as well. We ordered two dozen assorted and started chatting with some Pittsburgh fans next to us that had flown in just to see the game. One of the dads with our group is a huge Steelers fan and he had the jersey to prove it. The rest of us were in SF jerseys or t-shirt so I guess you could say our little group was sports integrated...sprintegrated.

It was then and there, at the full oyster bar, at the full Ferry Building, that our Steelers Dad had something to share. It turns out his wife had given him an official Pittsburgh Steelers "Tramp Stamp" tattoo for the day. Now really, how does that conversation go with the wife? "Hey, let's go upstairs with this temporary tattoo kit and..." So, after all of us had had beer 3, our Steelers Dad displayed his tramp stamp right there in the middle of the Hog Island Oyster Bar. I have to say it was well received.

Not Our Actual Steelers Dad

Now, if you don't know what a "tramp stamp" is, then let's explain. It's a tattoo that starts above the butt and then points south. In the case of our Steelers Dad, it meant "I'm open! I'm open! Throw me the ball...or whatever!"

After some great stops that we promised restaurants we wouldn't mention (but seriously, the sardines on kimchee at Waterbar are out of this world), we found our way to Candlestick. It turns out one of our dads' wives has a friend who runs security on the field. He called his wife's friend and the next thing we know a guy with a suit and an earpiece is handing us special badges and walking us onto the field. Many of the players are out there and they are setting up for the ESPN pregame show.

We walked around the field until we found a spot where we stepped into the 80s, at least that's what it felt like. Right in front of us, about five yards out onto the field, stood Steve Young in a suit without the jacket and he was throwing the ball, playing catch, with Jerry Rice. They were tossing around the ball like two buds from college who were killing a few minutes while the rest of the world was working. The ESPN guys were setting up the stage, getting microphones and lights ready, and next to them was Steve and Jerry just tossing the ball and making comments to each other, waiting until it was time to host the pregame show.

After "The Toss," Steve Young came to the sideline so close to me, I could have grabbed his shoulder and said, "Nice toss." Now, everyone I've told this story to has had the same reaction. "Why didn't you get his autograph?" they always say. It really wasn't that kind of moment. It would have ruined it. I wasn't thinking about selling my signed shirt on eBay the next day. I was just glad to be standing there briefly in the 80s and I think Steve Young and Jerry Rice were as well. It was a moment to respect and take in, not one to interrupt.

So, all I can tell you is that the next time you go out and it doesn't involve a temporary tattoo in your nether regions, then you haven't fully committed. You haven't embraced Guys Night Out or Girls Night Out. What's in store for the next Guys Day Out? Well, all I can tell you is that we haven't ruled out piercing.

Offending Santa: Part Deux: Public Statements of Merriness

"Merry Christmas."

Yup, that's what we did. The company I work for posted a message on our website announcing that the Monday after Christmas we will be closed and, oh, by the way, "Merry Christmas." That's when the complaint calls started coming in. How dare we put the word "Christmas" on our website?!

Now, I know this has been turned into some sort of pseudo political issue and the Republicans are supposedly the great defenders of Christmas and the Democrats are supposedly the group attacking Christmas with their evil "Happy Holidays" message, but really don't we have more pressing issues to focus on? The government is about to shut down due to a lack of an approved operating budget and today marks the official end of the war in Iraq and we are all stirred up about Christmas?

To be candid, we were not attempting to take a stand by posting our "Merry Christmas" message. We were simply saying that we will be closed in observance of Christmas and that "we too will be celebrating with our families." But now, it has become a thing. Our "Christmas e-mail message to customers" has become "Happy Holidays," so we don't get any additional complaint calls.

In my point of view, Christmas is about pausing once a year to do something nice for people. For friends and family, it's an opportuniity to say how much they mean to you and give them a little something that shows it. For customers, it's time to say, "Hey, thanks for your business." For those closest to you, it's an opportunity to break bread, have a little wine and reflect on the past year and state your hopes for the upcoming year.

And, for the kids, it's a time for magic, even when they get a little older and realize that Santa may have been assembling that bike in the garage with a martini instead of bringing it down the chimney. (My daughter, wisely sent us an e-mail for Santa this year with her request and then asked us to forward it to Santa, because she didn't have his e-mail address and thought that we might. Now that's thinking on your feet!) Even my Jewish friend down the street has Christmas lights on his house and he definitely qualifies as jolly. He has managed to have a Christmas tree and a menorah in his house at the same time for years without it spontaneously combusting or drawing any protesters out front.

So, when I say Merry Christmas, what I mean is "Be happy. Enjoy the season. Do something nice for your family and your friends." It's not meant as a recruiting drive for any particular religion. It's not meant to say "Go Newt! Go Rick!" It's not meant to say, "Wow, Glenn Beck really is right!" So please, lighten up, everyone. I am not trying to offend you or pigeon hole your religious or political beliefs when I wish you a Merry Christmas. Just be happy and enjoy the season.

So, whether this time of year involves a tree, a dradle, a Kwanzaa cake or a dim sum brunch on Christmas Day for you, I wish you the best. Be happy, be thankful and reflect on what's most important in your life. Other than that, don't stress on the details and don't get caught up on language. What you take as offensive might be someone just wishing you the best for this time of year.