Intimidating Young Boys

Tomorrow is Homecoming. There's a game. There's a dance. There's a date.

I'm sorry, what was that last one?

You see, my daughter is a freshman. When she joined the cheer squad, I was vaguely aware that this might draw boys as devious and irresponsible as I was at that age. When she was moved to the varsity squad, my "dad alarm" went off and I was concerned that boys that are even three years older more devious and irresponsible might be appearing too soon.

Still, I thought there would be some time. She's only been in high school a month. I knew there'd be the Homecoming Dance, but the Homecoming Date? A date with a puberty-hampered boy attempting to perform basic reason and judgment with a brain shrouded in a fog of testosterone? Thankfully, my daughter's date is also a freshman, so he probably still has some of his brain function left before it's completely swept away by hormones next year.

Now I need to figure out what my "dad personality" is going to be. I'm thinking quiet intimidation is the way to go. You see, I'm one of those dads that tells the kids, "Don't call me Mr. Winkler. Call me Eric." I like to joke with the kids, make them at ease. Not tomorrow. By tomorrow I must come up with my intimidating dad personality so I can properly terrorize my daughter's date when he comes to the house. He must look at me with fear of what I might do should he step out of line. I must work phrases like "prison really changes a man" and "it took me years to really master firearms" into the conversation without it appearing to be too obvious.

Then of course there's the body language. I must project fury. The date must look at my face and see barely contained rage that could explode at anytime. This isn't really my personality so I'm thinking that if I keep a bottle of pepper sauce in the other room and then occassionally go over and squirt some in my mouth before returning to the room with the date that it might get the facial expression I'm shooting for. Of course, I will have to find some way to explain the tears and sweat that also comes with this approach. Since my daughter's date's parents will also be there, I must strike the balance between being fearsome to the date while not appearing homicidal to his parents. This may not be easy.

One of the interesting aspects of the date, a group date actually, will be the drive to and from the dance, about 20 minutes each way, with a parent at the helm. I'm planning on installing two things into the car before tomorrow. The first is a 1,000 volt LED sign on the back of the driver's seat (facing into the back seat) that says "NO" that will be hooked to a switch up by the steering wheel. For safety, it will also randomly flash on and off at times to discourage activity the driver may be unaware of. This will be the first line of defense. The second line of defense will be the 1,000 watt spotlight mounted on the ceiling above the rear seat with a switch up by the steering wheel. Now, if you think this is too extreme, keep in mind that I considered putting in the ability to actually electrify the date's half of the rear seat, but I don't want to create any permanent physical damage. Permanent mental damage I'm okay with.

Given that I probably won't have time to make these modifications and that Buick probably doesn't sell a "Dateproof Your Car in Three Easy Steps" kit, we'll probably have to rely on the "Oooops, I left my visor down with the mirror open" approach. We see the date's eyes and he sees our eyes. Oh yes, I almost forgot, fury is projected...much fury. A nice touch might also be an empty gunrack in the rear window.

I would write more, but I need to go out and locate a National Rifle Association sticker to put on the front door before the date arrives.