When Food Freaks Out (And No, This is not a new show on TLC)

I came home from work and there it was on the front cover of our town's weekly paper. It's front page news and sure to alarm home owners all over town. Is it a tornado? Is there a tsunami danger? Are there fires raging in the nearby hills? No, it's worse than that.

WILD TURKEY SMASHES NOVATO HOME'S WINDOW

That's the real live headline on the front page of our town paper this week. According to the Novato Advance, a 15-pound wild turkey crashed through a second-story window and damaged a Novato home. I can just picture the family, who has asked that their name not be released to the press, sitting in the family room watching television when the music from "Jaws" starts with the barely audible "gobble gobble" of a turkey call heard in the background. Then, suddenly, a Ballistic Butterball comes flying through the window.

Now, the fact that this is front page news says a lot about the town I live in, but not quite as much as the second part of the headline. You see, in Marin, we aren't all in agreement in terms of the difference between food and pets. Here's the second part of the headline:

Bird Remains in Critical Condition at Wildcare, a San Rafael Animal Shelter and Hospital

"He was incredibly stressed and scared," said the director for animal care at WildCare. "Right now, he's having a hard time breathing but we're trying to keep his wounds sterile. Right now, he's on supportive care until we can get him stable enough to do some X-rays."

She's not talking about the person who suffered the Turkey Home Invasion as being "stressed and scared." She's talking about the turkey. The turkey is being treated for physical and mental wounds. It's all hands on deck, STAT, so we can save this out of control Butterball so it can live another day. They are going to X-ray the turkey? The article even goes on to say that the owners of the house are visiting the turkey in the animal hospital to make sure it's okay.

I grew up in farm country and I can tell you in farm country when a wild turkey crashes into your home or gets caught in the overly elaborate chrome guard on the front of the ranch truck, it does not get rushed into therapy. It's wounds are not cleaned. It's dinner. Wild turkey is served with Wild Turkey and it's dinner.You don't visit the turkey to check on its mental health. You visit it every hour or so to baste it! Thank goodness a Turducken didn't come through the window or they'd be trying to save three birds.

So, to the volunteers at WildCare and the homeowners caring for this turkey, I give you credit for being better people than me. Because in my world, sometimes food is just food. 

Of Flash Mob Men and Goldfish

Was it Novato's version of a flash mob? It might have been.

Last night me and five other guys from the neighborhood decided to go get pizza at our local "fusion fern pizzaria," Boca Pizza. I call it "fusion fern," because normal pizzarias don't have octopus salads on the menu nor cook eggs on top of pizza, which is actually quite tasty. Still, for Marin County, this is our version of the manly pizza joint hangout.

We were outside at a patio table with a stunning view of the parking lot as chardonnay was being poured. (As I said, this is a Marin County pizzaria. There isn't a lot of Pabst Blue Ribbon being served with the pies.) I was sipping on my Anchor Steam when a man emerged from the bar at about 9:30 p.m. and decided to stop on the sidewalk and belt out Journey's "Don't Stop Believing!" Now, I don't know if it was the wine we drank before going to get pizza or the beer I drank there, but I thought he did a pretty good job. When a server came from the restaurant to guide our singer back into the restaurant for another stop at the bar, we asked our server if he wasn't available to do another set as we had some other Journey songs in mind that we'd like to hear. This was met with skepticism from our waiter, who was clearly less enthusiastic about having "Dads Gone Wild" at his egg-on-top-pizzaria than we were.

Anyhow, to Mr. Journey of Novato, nicely done. You can have your own little flash mob at our humble shopping center anytime you want to. Just remember that "When the Lights Go Out in the City" is also big with us North Bay Dads.

Dead Fish Walking

I received a text from my daughter yesterday and it read, "I won a fish!" Now, I know this sounds like good news, but this house has a track record with fish. Despite our nicest intentions, we have continually reaffirmed the Darwin Theory when it comes to fish. I'm sure when the fish understood who had won him at my daughter's school's fun day that the other fish were like, "Wow, bummer, dude. That's a rough house for fish."

Perhaps the incident that best describes our fish-tending skills is the time I took our kids to Petco to get some more fish several years ago. I asked the young guy working in the fish section if the different fish we were looking at actually get along in the same tank. He assured me they did so we took the fish home and placed them in the same tank together on our kitchen counter. Well, as a day or two went buy, we started noticing that there were fewer fish in the tank and that the remaining fish looked pretty darn beat up. It turns out we had actually brought home fish that feed on each other and put them in the same tank to see who survived. It was our accidental version of Fish Thunderdome.

So, out in our kitchen right now, little "Turtle" the goldfish swims around in circles in his vase of a home hoping we have gotten better at tending to fish than we have been in the past. Turtle, bro, I do too.

Apocalypse How?

Poor Francis Ford Coppola.

Sure, he directed The Godfather and Apocalypse Now, movies that received a small audience in limited release, and, sure, he also has that winery to relax and sip his way through life. But now, he's got a real crisis...at least according to his attorney.

A small Italian restaurant right here in Novato has dared to name itself "Tavola," which is Italian for "table." You'd think it would be a harmless play on words. It would be like if I opened up a soup restaurant in Italy and decided to name it "Bowl." Well, it turns out that Mr. "Loves the Smell of Napalm in the Morning" believes he owns the Italian word for table, Tavola, according to a recent article in our local paper you can find by clicking here.

Coppola is suing the family-owned restaurant for trademark infringement claiming he owns "A Tavola" due to his restaurants' style of serving in which "servers come to each table offering an assortment of family-style dishes," according to the complaint filed in U.S. District Court in San Francisco. Um, do you think we should tell him that there are other restaurants out there in which servers "come to each table offering an assortment of family style dishes"...? He might be crushed to hear how the Grand Slam works at Denny's. ("You mean they come to your table and offer you breakfast and then they come back and bring it to you?!?!? Sue them!!! Sue them, too!!!")

So what is Mr. "Take the Gun and Leave the Cannoli" so worried about? "Customers and prospective customers of your restaurant are likely to be misled into believing that your goods and services originate from, are sponsored by, or are associated with Francis Ford Coppola Winery or even Francis Ford Coppola himself, when, indeed, they are not," said Coppola attorney Giselle Galper in the article.

(A Stunning Image from a Coppola Movie would have gone right here to make this blog entry pop, but I didn't want to get sued too. So, instead, enjoy this picture of pasta. Disclaimer: This pasta is in no way connected to or cooked by Francis Ford Coppola and was definitely not served family style at a table A Tavola style.)

The Pirraglia family, which owns the Novato restaurent with the horse's head on its pillow (Seriously, have you not seen the Godfather? These are golden references here!), declined to comment for the article. I suppose that's wise when a mega movie mogul and restauranteur with unlimited resources decides to sue you. Had they been able to comment, I wonder if they wouldn't have said something along the lines of, "Dude, we serve Italian food on tables, so we used the Italian word for table." Maybe I'm oversimplifying. But, I really find it hard to believe that this is all about the Pirraglia family's master plan to leverage the Coppola style of serving food (servers bring it to your table) to dominate the Italian scene in Novato.

I hadn't planned to eat at this restaurant as I usually cook my own Italian, but now I surely will. If my $6.95 for pasta will help them fight off a lawsuit from a big bully, I'll happily give it to them. I hope the Pirraglias are able to weather their way through this. They just better make sure they check behind the toilet in their restaurant before agreeing to meet with Coppola's attorneys. (Seriously, you haven't seen the movie?! That was a huge scene!)

A Tiburomoronic Crisis: Occupy CVS Tiburon

It's time to put it all in perspective. Whereever you live in the world, your community may be suffering from things like a bad economy, drought, an oppressive government, or even trying to recover from one of history's largest earthquakes and a tsumani a year ago. Still, your troubles pale when compared to the crisis currently being endured by the Marin County town of Tiburon.

It's not just a sign. It's a red sign. And, it's not just a store. It's a CVS store that does things like have sales on items like bathroom tissues. (They don't say "toilet paper" in Tiburon. Too pedestrian.) I kid you not. For weeks the town has been in a hubabaloo about whether or not the new CVS store could have a red sign out front, which would be consistent with its branding. Don't believe me? Here's the article in today's Marin Independent Journal.

"I'm just astonished that corporate America is throwing its weight around like this in a small town," said severely traumatized resident Steve Bendinelli, one of 50 residents who attended a Tiburon Town Council meeting to protest the sign. This is after 260 residents signed a petition against the sign.

So, this is about "The Man" forcing Tiburon's scrappy residents, who are in no way corporate CEOs or bankers themselves, to put up a red sign? Well, if that's the case, you know what you Tiburonites have to do. It's time to Occupy CVS Tiburon, brothers! That's right! Get out of those bay-viewing mansions, grab a tent at REI in neighboring Corte Madera and set up a camp right in the parking lot of the CVS in Tiburon. Don't worry about the kids, your domestic staff can watch them and make sure they make it to private school while you are occupado. This issue is more important than shelter! You need to take a stand, get out there and camp outdoors in a parking lot for at least a month to show "The Man" that he can't put a red sign in your town.

By the way, please let me know when you set up Occupy CVS Tiburon so I can set up a stand on the sidewalk that sells $12 glasses of chardonnay in the evenings and $6 lattes in the morning. You'll Occupy my kids all the way to college.

So, the next time you hit a rough patch in the road, just keep in mind that at least you don't have to deal with the problems that the residents of Tiburon, California face.

Party Like a Pope!

Tonight is the night! It's my daughter's first high school Turnabout. If you are unfamiliar with the term, as I was, it is the rebranded Sadie Hawkins Dance. Apparently, today's youth aren't familiar with that term.

The dance is being held in the Pope John Paul Student Center, so you know it's going to be awesome. Nothing says "party" more than having a pope's name in the venue. Thankfully, the Virgin Mary Dance Arena was already booked by the Shriners.

My daughter is wisely going with friends, rather than asking out a boy to the dance. Dances are already terrifying enough for most boys without being asked out. The night already presents many challenges for high school boys. First of all, it requires bathing and wearing shirts that have buttons. A hair brush may also be involved. This requires a lot more preparation time than most high school boys are used to.

Then there's the actual dance. Initially, there are the girls out dancing with each other while the boys are huddled against the wall attempting to appear like they are enjoying idle chit chat while actually cowering like a herd of wilderbeests in view of tigers. They are all having the same thought, "What if a girl actually walks over here and askes me out. Then what do I do?!"

If they notice a girl walking over, then the left brain and the right brain start arguing. The girl starts walking in slow motion while the boy's brain goes into full-on debate mode.

Left brain (consumed by puberty): "Hey, this could be fun. She smells nice. Maybe they'll play a slow song and I get to touch her shoulders. Could be awesome!"

Right brain (still able to think logically): "Dude! YOU CAN'T DANCE! You are going to look like a penguin being electricuted if you go out there. What if they play Lady Gaga and all the girls start dancing with each other and you are left alone doing the "Flaying Penguin" in the middle of the dance floor? Run, dude, run!"

For me, in high school the right brain typically won the arguement. To say I was mostly terrified of girls in high school would be an understatement. There were a couple dances that I "went to" that I actually couldn't get myself to go inside. I don't know if that made me shy, wimpy, terrified or just some combination of the three. Thankfully, in college, the left brain took over and I actually had a lot of fun at dances. Thanks left brain! More Prince, More Rick James, More Billy Idol! Bring it on!

So, to my daughter and her friends, I say,  "Have a great time. Enjoy the music and the dancing!" To the boys, all I can say is, "It gets better...really."

Let's Be Frank About Valentines Day

We're here again. It's that holiday that sneaks up on us clueless, distracted husbands every year. We vaguely know it's in February, but it still seems like you wake up one day and the radio proclaims that today is the day to celebrate your love.

Valentines Day is tougher as a grown up. When you are in elementary school, a generic card with a candy heart attached with some kind of toxic glue did the trick. Everyone in class had to get one so Stinky Phil who didn't bathe much wouldn't feel bad about not getting valentines.

When you hit college, Valentines Day consists of getting the good pizza that doesn't turn into plastic form upon cooling (Sorry, Pizza Answer, Eugene) and maybe even getting wine instead of beer to go with it. Follow that up with a midnight game of frisbee golf and romance can't be far behind. (Yes, I was that lame in college.)

When you become a 40-something dad/husband, Valentines Day takes on a new form. It's something that happens between carpools and work. You try to find a couple of hours to remember you are a couple that can talk about something more than...well, carpools and work.

People take different approaches to Valentines Day. I don't mean to discourage any in particular, but you might want to think twice about that reservation you have for tonight.

If you know people in the restaurant industry and have read Anthony Bourdain's books then you already know this. Anyone with 8 hours of vacation saved up at a restaurant is taking today off. They don't want to be anywhere near a restaurant on Valentines Day. Why is that? Well, diners on Valentines Day are sort of punching a timeclock rather than really enjoying the dining experience. They are going out to say they went out for Valentines Day and they aren't the restaurant's regulars and they probably won't be back again for a long, long time. So, in a word, they are cheap...really, really cheap. Valentines Day diners are known for ordering cheap and then tipping low, so the A Team at the restaurant is at their homes making risotto or albondigas for their loved ones instead of cooking in their restaurants.

So, who is cooking and serving in restaurants on Valentines Day, you might ask? Well, it's Stinky Phil from elementary school who has been dicing and slicing produce for months in the back of the kitchen and finally gets his chance to cook tonight. Is tonight the best night to order that seared Ahi with the raw core that has to be done just right so as not to get you sick? Perhaps not. I'm thinking burger well done is the way to go.

I'm lucky. My wife likes to eat at home on Valentines Day and I try my best to recreate a meal we had in Paris together for our 10th anniversary as we approach our 20th anniversary. Tonight's conversation at the dinner table should be particularly interesting as this is my teenage daughter's first Valentine's Day in high school. There should be at least one story about an awkward teenage proclamation of love or at least a Facebook "poke" or "like" to report.

A Brief Note From the Carpool
Hey you in front of me with the minivan with the racing stripes and the oversized wheels on it revving your motor in front of the middle school this morning...Don't Do That! Your minivan is not coming across as a Monster Truck even though you've clearly spent way too much money on it trying to get it there. Just settle down and accept that maybe your days of cruising the middle school at 7:40 a.m. are over and head on down to Cinnabon where you'll feel more at home.

So, whatever you decide to do for Valentines Day, whether it's cruising the middle school in your suped up minivan or braving Stinky Phil's latest creation at your local eatery, just keep in mind that Valentine's Day is just a day. We'll all get through this.

Gee, I Didn't Know I Needed That

Did you know the United States has an Olympic Women's Trampoline Team? I didn't either.

Yesterday, I was at MacWorld Expo. I hadn't been in more than 10 years so I wanted to see what's new in applications and software and I thought that would be a good place to do it. It turns out the show has shrunk to less than a quarter of the size it was 10 years ago. Gone are most of the megabooths that used to be at a show where companies would try and outdo each other. Most of the booths now are just 10 feet across.

This raises a problem. If the booths aren't very impressive anymore, then how do companies bring attendees into their booths? There were some creative approches. One company that was marketing earphones wanted to demonstrate that their earphones don't come off during workouts. To demonstrate this, they put a trampoline in their booth and had a member of the U.S. Olympic Women's Trampoline Team do various flips on the trampoline while noting that the headphones she was wearing stayed put. Do I remember the name of the company that makes the earphones? No. Do I remember what a women's trampolining uniform looks like? Yes. "Go USA!"

A few other companies decided models were the way to go. One 10-foot booth had no fewer than four models and another company with a booth of the same size had six girls in and around it. While certainly drawing their fair share of attendees, this created a problem for the companies, however. With four models and two sales people sharing a little 10-foot booth, there was no room left for any customers to actually enter the booth and see whatever these companies were exhibiting. They had created a sort of "Babe Blockade" between themselves and potential customers. Marketers have a rule that goes with trade show exhibits: There is a correlation between the lack of interest in a company's product and the number of models they hire to put in the booth.

"Gee, I Didn't Know I Needed That."

Wondering what to get your sweetie for Valentine's Day? Want to send her a message that every moment out with her is magical? Then MacWorld exhibitor IntoxiCase may have just what you are looking for to set the right tone. They've invented the iPhone case that is also a bottle opener. It's sort of the Swiss Army Knife of cell phones without all the practical tool parts. Says the brochure, "The Intoxicase was evaluated by dozens of bartenders and after hundreds of bottles opened all iPhones remained perfectly safe and reviews were exceptionally enthusiastic." The accompaning app detects when a user cracks open a bottle and offers "exciting characteristics" including "hilarious sound effects." It also keeps count of your drinks and will post "another bottle opened" on the user's social networks. It also displays a screen that shows how many gallons of beer have been consumed by the user. Your sweetie will be so proud!

"But, Didn't You See Anything Cool?"
Yes, thanks for asking. I saw artists mixing paints, creating colors and then create art on their iPads using the NomadBrush. This little brush and the accompanying apps make the iPad's screen behave like a palette with real liquid paint on it. Artists can even use tools like scrapers to add texture to their "paintings." It looks like a regular brush with real hairs and the "liquid" paint on the screen reacts to it just like it's a real brush. Very cool for creative types!

So, even though the show is a quarter of the size it used to be and even though departed Steve Jobs' rally was replaced by some applications developers sitting on Barcaloungers sharing their stories about programming apps to a less than rivited crowd, MacWorld still managed to soar this year...at least in the headphones booth.