Embarrassing Moments at Work

I feel sorry for the replacement refs. No really, think about it. We all make mistakes at our jobs once in a while, right? These guys are making mistakes on national television that has the whole country talking about how incompetent they are. That's gotta be tough.

One Ref Signals Touchback as the Other Signals Touchdown

There they were at the very last play of Monday Night Football, one of the highest, if not the highest rated programs on television. Two refs standing and facing each other giving two completely different signs with their arms. In the replay, you can actually see them looking at each other with a sort of "What the bleep are you calling that for?" expression on their faces.

Can you imagine what a stealth life these guys must be leading these days? Imagine walking into a sports bar in any city other than Seattle as a replacement ref. Conversation starts at the bar and eventually that dreaded question is asked as it always is, "So, what do you do for a living?" If you are replacement ref, you absolutely have to lie about your job. "I'm in sanitation. Um, I manage a pit bull adoption agency. Um, I manage a Kato Kaelin fan website." You would literally say anything other than "I'm a replacement ref for the NFL."

I've made mistakes at work. Probably the most embarassing...so far...happened early in my career. I was summoned to present an overview of the fledgling marketing program to the board of directors of the consumer software company in which I worked. I had gone through my PowerPoint presentation and rehearsed several times. I knew that thing cold. I was ready. So, I got into the meeting room with those board members and went through each section. There was "Advertising." There was "Trade Shows and Events." There was "Partnership Marketing and Licensing." And, there was "Pubic Relations."

I'm sorry, what was that last one?

Yup, I forgot one little "L" and it changed the tone of my whole presentation. There it was projected on an 8-foot by 10-foot screen (this was pre big screen tvs)...my strategy for "Pubic Relations." Thankfully, I just did this in front of 8 men who found neither humor nor repulsion in my slide.

Now imagine completely screwing up your job in front of millions of viewers. Imagine half the country talking about how awful you are, so much so that your employer has to call a press conference to comment on your actions. These guys are going to be lucky to ref a U12 soccer game after they are done with this gig.

So, the next time I have an "oooops" moment at work. The next time I pop off with a sarcastic comment in a staff meeting that would have been better left unsaid. I can think to myself, "at least I'm not a replacement ref in the NFL."

Bobblehead Economics

This week the political conventions are starting, which sort of plays out as the not-nearly-as-televised-as-they-used-to-be live versions of Best in Show. If you don't remember that movie, it's a spoof about people dressing up dogs and parading them in front of a crowd in hopes they will win best in show.

This year's big issue seems to be the economy. It seems when voters aren't working that they get a little cranky and stop caring about whether the government agencies are adequately regulating produce. I was previously concerned about the economy myself...that is until I discovered Bobblehead Economics.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you miss this class in your studies? It's true that not every university offers Bobblehead Economics. Some people have to learn it on the fly on the mean streets of The Embarcadero in San Francisco.

Let's back up a step. Yesterday, my family went with some close friends to see a Giants game. We were there in person to see them not play so very well against the Atlanta Braves. (By the way, isn't is kind of politically incorrect now-a-days to have a baseball team named after Indian warriors attacking pilgrims? I'm just sayin'.) Anyhow, yesterday turned out to be Pablo Sandoval Bobblehead Day, a holiday that ranks right up there with Arbor Day and England's Boxing Day. People were lined up down The Embarcadero to get their own PabloBabloHeads.

A "PabloBobloHead?"

The general concept seems to be that if you've bought a ticket for your kids, they get to go home with a bobblehead to remember the day, whether they are in a $200 box seat behind homeplate or a $12 bleacher seat high above the field.

Unfortunately, that's not quite how it works out. We watched as people got in line, over and over again, and then left with four, five, six or more bobbleheads and headed out to the parking lot. This was as the game was about to start. At the time, I thought it was just some sort of bizarre hording activity. People were literally walking away with trash bags full of bobblehead boxes with looks on their faces as if they had just agreed to be married to a Kardashian for 72 days.

This morning, the mystery of Bobblehead Economics unfolded as I went on eBay out of couriousity. It turns out the Pablo Sandoval Bobbleheads are being sold just one day after the game for $44. So, here's how Bobblehead Economics works.

1. Buy the cheapest bleacher seat for $12-$14.
2. Stand in line over and over with your ticket and collect 6 bobbleheads.
3. Place them on eBay that very same evening and price them at $44.
4. Sell your bobbleheads for $264.
5. Net profit: $250.

Now, if either one of our political parties can harness the power of Bobblehead Economics, we could be at the dawn of a brighter economic future for America. Let's ask our media to stop asking Obama/Biden and Romney/Ryan about "jobs" and "taxes" and get to the real issue. "How will bobbleheads play into your economic strategy?" Until they can answer that question, I'm remaining on the fence.

So, the next time you are at a game and some guy walks by you with a trash bag full of bobbleheads and you think to yourself, "What a rube." Keep it to yourself, because the rube is probably wearing a Rolex and on his way to see his investment advisor.

Sometimes It's Better to Leave by the Window than the Door

There he was, my 12-year-old son, climbing out a fourth story window and about to rappel down the outside of the building. I was on the ground watching as he discussed this with the fireman up there with him and watched as he gathered courage and emerged outside of the window and eased his way down. I was extremely proud and I have to admit my eyes teared up as I watched my son overcome his fear and do this.

I guess I should provide some context at this stage. My son was in the Fire Squirts Camp put on by the Novato Fire Department. Thankfully, he wasn't leaving a burning building. He was leaving the practice tower the firemen use. Still, four stories up is four stories up.

My son has had an issue with heights in the past. Hotel balconies aren't his favorite nor is walking by the railing on a raised walkway. The firemen told me that yesterday it took him 20 minutes to build up the courage to go out that window. Today, with about 100 people watching, it only took him about 2 minutes. He even turned, took his hand off the rope and waved at us below and gave the fireman in the window a fist bump before decending.

Sure, my son learned first aid and how to put out a grease fire this week. But, what he really learned was, "You can do this. You can do things you think you can't do even when your own brain is screaming at you to run away."

Seeing my son's courage to overcome one of his most significant fears has really inspired me to look at my own fears. What am I missing out on in life because I'm not willing to climb out the window and see what's below?

I've worked in jobs in the past for people who weren't very honest and, frankly, not very nice. I stayed in them too long because they gave me a title I wanted and pay for a comfortable lifestyle. I also stayed in them because I was afraid that, if I left, someone else might not give me that title and that comfortable lifestyle. What if I didn't have a business card with a title on it? How could I answer when someone asked me what I do?

Sure, good people were being laid off to prop up an internet stock price or increase a software company's valuation, but I still got to be "an executive." In retrospect, I should have moved on to the next chapter much earlier in these situations. It was time to get up, throw a rope out the window and rappel out of there. Granted, the highest office I've had in my career was only on the third floor so this is not as dramatic as it sounds.

Still, I hope my son has learned a life lesson today. I hope he learned the same lesson he taught me today. Don't let fear box you in. If you are in a situation where you can't find the door to opportunity, use the window.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a Fish? No, Sausalito's AquaMan is Here!

Sausalito has its very own member of the Justice League. I know, because I saw him on Father's Day from the very cool Bar Bocce that my family took me to. We had just finished a game of bocce ball and collected our first round of refreshments when "AquaMan" decided to crank up his jet pack and start flying around in the bay in front of us.

What? No cape?!

For just a smidge under $100,000, the JetLev R200 can be yours and you too can fly 28 feet in the air with the help of a pump you drag along the water below you. It is pretty impressive to see in person. Like a helicopter, he hovered in the air and then angled himself forward to go rocketing off to another part of the San Francisco Bay.

I'm almost completely certain the owner of this JetLev is single. I mean think about the conversation you'd have with your wife about purchasing a JetLev.

Wife: "You want to buy a jet pack for the water?"
You: "Yes! It will be so cool!"

Wife: "How much is it?"
You: "$99,500. It's not like it's a whole $100,000!"

Wife: "Is this something we can do together?"
You: "Ummm. You can watch me and if I get close enough to shore I can spray you with the jets of water."

Or, for $84,000, you could have this instead.

This is just not a conversation that is going to go well. It turns out that $100,000 actually buys you a lot in the way of water entertainment if you give up on the idea of flying. If you are willing to be on the water instead of flying above it on a suped up waterpik, there is currently a 53-foot sailing yacht for sale in Sausalito for $84,000. Sure, you aren't flying, but good luck sipping champagne and getting frisky with a special someone in the JetLev. If you own a JetLev, that is just one of many "solo activities" you'll probably enjoy. If you own a yacht instead, you can sail all the way across the bay from Sausalito to Tiburon with other people. 

For those of you considering getting your own JetLev and thinking to yourself, "What could possibly go wrong? There's no way I could embarrass myself with something so cool!" Then, as a public service announcement, I leave you with this video.

Slumming with the Queen

There she was, Queen Elizabeth the Second, in all her glory, sailing down the Thames on the "Royal Barge." What, what? Did the words "royal" and "barge" just appear in the same sentence? That can't be right.

They named the barge? Really?

What is going on over there across the pond? I'm a little concerned. Here in America we have people like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, who have ascended to their pop celebrity thrones by being the daughters of the guy who got O.J. off and the guy whose hotels used to be nice, but are kind of run down now, and they fly around in private jets and party on yachts. Yet, in England, the Queen celebrates her 60 years on the throne of actual royalty not by sailing down the Thames on the "royal yacht " or the QE2, a cruise ship named after her, but instead is sent down the river on a barge ala Huck Finn style? This has my crumpets in a knicker!

Jerry Brown Unveils the Queen's New Budget

What other parts of the British royalty have been downgraded? Does the Queen leave the royal barge to be taken in the Royal PT Cruiser to the Royal Bowling Alley? Is she then served Royal Buffalo Wings? I'd like to know just how deep these budget cuts have gone. Is Jerry Brown doing the budget for the royal family these days?

Now, I may not be an authority on the British monarchy, but I have watched Downton Abbey. I can tell you that none of the characters on that show, including the gay cranky butler, would be found dead on a barge. They would take their ellaborate costumes and their overly dramatic gazes into the camera and find a boat with an actual motor.

And where's the British Navy in all of this Queen on the Barge Business?! You guys sunk the Bismarck and now you can't provide a boat with a motor for the Queen? I mean the "HMS" in the name of your ships stands for "(In) Her Magesty's Service" and you send The Queen down the Thames on the HMS Git'Er Done?

Faster then the Royal Barge! By the way, where's the driver?

So, the next time on I'm down south on a Duffy electric boat going 5 knots through Newport Bay, I will think to myself, "I could totally beat the Queen's barge right now!"

When Scotty Makes You Think About Midlife

"He would rather have flown when he was alive, of course," said Wende Doohan, widow of James Doohan, who played the part of Scotty on the original Star Trek.

This is a quote that I found wildly funny yesterday. You see, Scotty has passed away and his widow was commenting about his ashes being sent into space on Space-X's rocket a few days ago. So, the addition of "of course" to the statement that Scotty would rather have been alive for the voyage into space really tickled my funny bone. But, after a night's sleep thinking about this, I realized that, for me, this quote is kind of profound.

This is a guy who was all about space exploration and was teleporting tribbles through space before my family had a color television. Though he may have acted in other shows, we really only knew him as Scotty, who kept telling Kirk that "she's giving it all she's got" when he'd phone down to the engine room and tell Scotty that if the Enterprise didn't go a little bit faster they'd end up being lunch to some very aggravated aliens. What a shame that his first actual trip into space was after he was dead.

So, in my midlife crisisness state of mind, I've started thinking that I don't want to end up like Scotty with my wife saying, "He would have really enjoyed doing that when he was still alive." Who would have thought Scotty would reach out from the grave to teach me a lesson about life? Not me. I'm actually more of a Next Generation kind of a Trekkie.

Now, I'm not talking about a bucket list. That's a few decades off for me. Still, it's time to think about things I'd like to do before my wife sends my ashes into space. Do I want to go into space? Not really. Pretty much the best ride into space is going to be with Sir Richard Branson and, while I think it would be fun to have champagne with him during the flight, let's face it that this guy doesn't have a great track record of landing balloons on Earth let alone returning to Earth from space. I think I'll give Virgin Galactic a few years to work out the kinks.

I really don't have anything so dramatic in mind. I think it would be fun to bike up the California coast, or at least part of it, someday. I could see myself picking up the saxophone again and playing the occassional gig someday. I'd like to eat pho in Vietnam instead of the San Francisco Financial District someday. Other than that, I think my voyage to space is more about just trying to enjoy where I'm at and who I'm with. Thankfully, I'm surrounded by awesome and supportive family and friends on a daily basis, so this isn't a hard thing to do.

I guess Scotty's advice to us, other than "Don't get typecast as a Scottish guy who runs the engine room on spaceships" (Not a lot of parts available other than Scotty. I'm just sayin'.), is to do what you want to in life...now. It doesn't have to be big. You don't have to jump out of a plane, unless that's your thing. But, make sure you do that thing that you've always wanted to try before your wife is telling CNN, "He would have rather flown when he was alive, of course."

Of course.

Space-X, Make Us Cool Again!

I turned 46 last week and that had me thinking about what I would have expected life to be like when I was younger. When I was 16, I could not have imagined I'd someday think 50 was right around the corner. Yet, here it is creeping up on me. I guess my biggest question to the powers that be is, "Where is all the cool stuff?"

Retired with No Upgrade!

When I was 16, people would fly between New York and London at supersonic speedy luxury on The Concorde. The graceful looking plane had such a sleek, long nose that they would have to lower it when they were landing so the pilots could see the runway below out their windows. Champagne at more than 1,000 miles an hour. What's not to like about that?

So, now that I'm 30 years older, imagine my dismay that not only did they retire the Concorde, which apparently still required tubes like old-timey televisions used to use. But, they haven't replaced it with anything. In 30 years, air travel has gotten slower, not faster. What's up with that?

Retired with No Upgrade!

What else was around when I was 16? We could go to space and back with The Space Shuttle! Wow, if we can send a plane/rocket into space and bring it back and land it on a runway in 1982 then by 2012 we'll probably be close to building the first version of the Enterprise to go explore new planets, right? Well, unfortunately not. Now if we want to go to the International Space Station we built, we have to hitch a ride with the Russians and hope they still feel like providing taxi service to us as Cranky Putin Pants takes over.

So, no pressure guys, but Space-X, our only hope of regaining coolness is pretty much you guys. If you aren't familiar with Space-X, this is a private company that has built a space launch system and even has a price list on their website to take things up into space. It's sort of like the Mayflower Moving of space, but more expensive. Well, if Mayflower built their own carbon fiber super high-tech trucks and launched them into space. If you have $10.9 million around and a desire to get something into space, all you have to do is visit http://www.spacex.com/. At 12:44 a.m. PST Tuesday, they are going to launch a test capsule and attempt to reach the International Space Station and dock it. They were orginally going to launch last Saturday, but a computer ended the launch one second before liftoff. Better to find out there is a problem one second before instead of one second after liftoff. If they are able to launch it tomorrow morning, we're back! If not, we'd better send Putin a case of Florida oranges, because that's the only thing lifting off from Florida for a while.

And Don't Even Get Me Started About Not Having a Flying Car Yet!