Preparing for the End of the World

There was another reminder on the radio today that Friday is the end of the planet according to the Mayan Calendar. I think, in a way, it takes some of the pressure off of things, especially during the holidays. It's sort of de-stressing more than it is distressing.

If you think about it, there really are a lot of benefits to the end of the world coming this week. You just have to look at the bright side of extinction. Here are a few points to consider:

1. Christmas Shopping-Schmisshmish Shopping -- Okay, so I'm a little behind, make that very behind on my Christmas shopping. Unless friends and family would be excited to receive a bottle from the huge collection of gourmet sauces we've accumulated from a store where a good friend works, I am coming up short in the gift department. Then it hit me. Why am I stressing about this? If the world ends on December 21st, then it really doesn't matter what was or wasn't under the tree when it vaporized.
2. Survivor Finally Ends -- Just before they begin filming Survivor Modesto ("Jeff, what exactly is a Rocky Mountain Oyster?"), we realize that we are all actually part of Survivor Planet, the ultimate reality show, at the moment our front lawns catch on fire. Good luck finding that hidden immunity idol because the phrase "final three" is going to take an a whole new meaning when icebergs begin floating into San Francisco Bay.

3. Al Gore Redemption -- Sure, it's a big price to pay to be able to say, "See, I was right!" Still, as you watch your mailbox swept up in a sea of magma on Friday morning, you just may have to admit that this whole Global Warming thing might be real. Sure, there won't be time to be interviewed on CNN to claim victory, but still he'll know he had that one right.
4. No Fiscal Cliff -- And we thought our politicians were incompetent and leading us into economic ruin with their fiscal impotency. Of course, they couldn't possibly be as incompetent as they appear to be. Really, could anyone really be that clueless? Of course not. This whole Fiscal Cliff thing is just meant to distract us from the real issue, that being the end of the world. While we rush out to meet with our tax planner to see if we can still afford our Netflix subscriptions in 2013, no one is paying any attention to Earth's poles reversing.
5. Supersized Credit -- If your credit card company doesn't bill you until after the 21st, then, guess what! Your credit card has just been supersized. Ready for a Brookstone massage chair? Wanna spend 15 minutes with a Kardashian? Go for it! You'll never see that credit card bill. This brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Shop 'til You Drop!"

6. It's Raining Cinnabons! -- Have you been skipping some of the foods you love so you don't end up five pounds heavier for the New Year? Well, if there isn't going to be a New Year then it's time to stop saying "No" to the foods you love America! Since we're known as a nation that holds back and says "No more for me" at the buffet line, it will be nice to see people finally let loose and indulge themselves. ("Make that a double-double-double-double!")
7. Peace and Quiet -- Is it too much to pay to die in a ball of flames to have Sean Hannity, Piers Morgan, Diane Feinstein, Donald Trump and John Boehner finally shut up? I really don't think so. Is the reversal of gravity too high of a price to cancel America's Got Talent, Bridezillas, the perpetual laugh track on the Disney Channel and any cooking show with Bobby Flay? No, that sounds about right. Where do I sign?

8. Virgin's "New Earth" -- Who is the only guy with his very own outer space airline and the financial resources to rebuild on a new planet? Sir Richard Branson, of course. Imagine what a fun new world that is going to be. I want in! I'm picturing very stylish outfits, sort of Star Trek meets Dolce & Gabbana, and martinis served with most meals. Virgin is already close to taking over the Earth with all of its new ventures, so this just sort of formalizes it by eliminating Earth and starting over on a new planet called "Virgin's New Earth." I hear WiFi will be free!
9. Party Like It's 1999 -- I imagine the first time people catch a glimpse of the Mayan Comet headed towards Earth there are going to be more than a few End of Earth parties thrown. I plan to hit as many as I can before impact. If you've been saving that good bottle of scotch or that 1989 bottle of Georges de Latour for just the right occasion, then you've just found it. Drink up!

Now, I know you are probably wondering what the tenth reason is that the end of the world this Friday is a good thing, because lists always come in groups of ten. Don't worry, I'll post that one soon...Saturday morning.

Rock On?

Who says nothing exciting ever happens north of the bay?

Last Friday morning, a one and a half inch rock was found in the yard of Novato resident Lisa Webber. She naturally concluded that the rock was a meteorite from the previous night's meteor shower. Because really, where else would a rock in one's yard come from? It's not as if you could just find a rock anywhere outside, right?



The Metorite as pictured in the Marin IJ

 This being Marin County, where things like distressed wild turkeys are taken really really seriously, it was only natural that NASA was called. According to our own Marin IJ newspaper, Peter Jenniskens, principal investigator for NASA's Cameras for Allsky Meteor Surveillance, came to Webber's home.

Now, if you've seen E.T., you can imagine what the scene was like at the Webbers' house. I'm picturing lots of guys in HazMat suits walking around with tongs to carry the meteorite into a mobile clean room.

Webber was quick to contain the situation, telling the Marin IJ, "I told him (Jenniskens), I'm not selling this (the rock) to a meteor market person. This is for science. I want him to have it for as long as he needs it and then when I get it back, I'll give it to my neighbor's son."

Not in Novato

Apparently, Webber is under the impression that there is a vast black market for meteorites in Novato. I think aside from that whole Lex Luthor/Cryptonite thing, she probably doesn't have a lot to worry about.

Not to be left out of the intergallactic hysteria, the San Francisco Chronicle declared "Tiny Meteorite Fragment Hits Novato Home" complete with a picture of the meteorite in foil, because any scientist knows that Reynold's Wrap does protect you from unknown outer space radiation. And, right on the heels of the Chronicle, the San Jose Mercury News declared "Scientist: Rock that hit Novato home is a meteorite." So, there you have it.

What was a bit ironic is that the home is occupied by a pastor. I don't know how the job review process works for pastors, but having your home pelted by outer space debris can't be the greatest sign. "Lord, send me a sign!" (Thunk!)

Novato-geddon Cancelled

To any neighbors constructing "Meteor Shelters" in their backyards (we don't really have basements here.), please stop digging. You can rest assured that we don't actually have to send Bruce Willis up into space to blow up the big one before it targets Marin County. People of Fairfax, uncover your hot tubs and take the tarps off your "herb gardens." Things are going to be okay.

It turns out that the meteorite found in Novato was actually a rock. I know! What are the odds of that?!?!

"I sincerely thought it was, based on what appeared to me was remnant fusion crust," said meteor hunter Jenniskens. "On closer inspection, that crust was a product of weathering of a natural rock, not from the heat of entry."

I can only imagine how many producers at The Discovery Channel were crushed to hear this news, since this now means their "Midget Meteor Hunters of the Everglades" show will now be cancelled. Rest assured Little People Big World, your time slot is safe.

So, if there is a moral of this story, I guess it is that sometimes a rock is just a rock. Sometimes, it's better to call Marin Landscape (Colored Gravel!!) before you call NASA. But still...rock on Marin County. Rock on!

Embarrassing Moments at Work

I feel sorry for the replacement refs. No really, think about it. We all make mistakes at our jobs once in a while, right? These guys are making mistakes on national television that has the whole country talking about how incompetent they are. That's gotta be tough.

One Ref Signals Touchback as the Other Signals Touchdown

There they were at the very last play of Monday Night Football, one of the highest, if not the highest rated programs on television. Two refs standing and facing each other giving two completely different signs with their arms. In the replay, you can actually see them looking at each other with a sort of "What the bleep are you calling that for?" expression on their faces.

Can you imagine what a stealth life these guys must be leading these days? Imagine walking into a sports bar in any city other than Seattle as a replacement ref. Conversation starts at the bar and eventually that dreaded question is asked as it always is, "So, what do you do for a living?" If you are replacement ref, you absolutely have to lie about your job. "I'm in sanitation. Um, I manage a pit bull adoption agency. Um, I manage a Kato Kaelin fan website." You would literally say anything other than "I'm a replacement ref for the NFL."

I've made mistakes at work. Probably the most embarassing...so far...happened early in my career. I was summoned to present an overview of the fledgling marketing program to the board of directors of the consumer software company in which I worked. I had gone through my PowerPoint presentation and rehearsed several times. I knew that thing cold. I was ready. So, I got into the meeting room with those board members and went through each section. There was "Advertising." There was "Trade Shows and Events." There was "Partnership Marketing and Licensing." And, there was "Pubic Relations."

I'm sorry, what was that last one?

Yup, I forgot one little "L" and it changed the tone of my whole presentation. There it was projected on an 8-foot by 10-foot screen (this was pre big screen tvs)...my strategy for "Pubic Relations." Thankfully, I just did this in front of 8 men who found neither humor nor repulsion in my slide.

Now imagine completely screwing up your job in front of millions of viewers. Imagine half the country talking about how awful you are, so much so that your employer has to call a press conference to comment on your actions. These guys are going to be lucky to ref a U12 soccer game after they are done with this gig.

So, the next time I have an "oooops" moment at work. The next time I pop off with a sarcastic comment in a staff meeting that would have been better left unsaid. I can think to myself, "at least I'm not a replacement ref in the NFL."

Bobblehead Economics

This week the political conventions are starting, which sort of plays out as the not-nearly-as-televised-as-they-used-to-be live versions of Best in Show. If you don't remember that movie, it's a spoof about people dressing up dogs and parading them in front of a crowd in hopes they will win best in show.

This year's big issue seems to be the economy. It seems when voters aren't working that they get a little cranky and stop caring about whether the government agencies are adequately regulating produce. I was previously concerned about the economy myself...that is until I discovered Bobblehead Economics.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you miss this class in your studies? It's true that not every university offers Bobblehead Economics. Some people have to learn it on the fly on the mean streets of The Embarcadero in San Francisco.

Let's back up a step. Yesterday, my family went with some close friends to see a Giants game. We were there in person to see them not play so very well against the Atlanta Braves. (By the way, isn't is kind of politically incorrect now-a-days to have a baseball team named after Indian warriors attacking pilgrims? I'm just sayin'.) Anyhow, yesterday turned out to be Pablo Sandoval Bobblehead Day, a holiday that ranks right up there with Arbor Day and England's Boxing Day. People were lined up down The Embarcadero to get their own PabloBabloHeads.

A "PabloBobloHead?"

The general concept seems to be that if you've bought a ticket for your kids, they get to go home with a bobblehead to remember the day, whether they are in a $200 box seat behind homeplate or a $12 bleacher seat high above the field.

Unfortunately, that's not quite how it works out. We watched as people got in line, over and over again, and then left with four, five, six or more bobbleheads and headed out to the parking lot. This was as the game was about to start. At the time, I thought it was just some sort of bizarre hording activity. People were literally walking away with trash bags full of bobblehead boxes with looks on their faces as if they had just agreed to be married to a Kardashian for 72 days.

This morning, the mystery of Bobblehead Economics unfolded as I went on eBay out of couriousity. It turns out the Pablo Sandoval Bobbleheads are being sold just one day after the game for $44. So, here's how Bobblehead Economics works.

1. Buy the cheapest bleacher seat for $12-$14.
2. Stand in line over and over with your ticket and collect 6 bobbleheads.
3. Place them on eBay that very same evening and price them at $44.
4. Sell your bobbleheads for $264.
5. Net profit: $250.

Now, if either one of our political parties can harness the power of Bobblehead Economics, we could be at the dawn of a brighter economic future for America. Let's ask our media to stop asking Obama/Biden and Romney/Ryan about "jobs" and "taxes" and get to the real issue. "How will bobbleheads play into your economic strategy?" Until they can answer that question, I'm remaining on the fence.

So, the next time you are at a game and some guy walks by you with a trash bag full of bobbleheads and you think to yourself, "What a rube." Keep it to yourself, because the rube is probably wearing a Rolex and on his way to see his investment advisor.

Sometimes It's Better to Leave by the Window than the Door

There he was, my 12-year-old son, climbing out a fourth story window and about to rappel down the outside of the building. I was on the ground watching as he discussed this with the fireman up there with him and watched as he gathered courage and emerged outside of the window and eased his way down. I was extremely proud and I have to admit my eyes teared up as I watched my son overcome his fear and do this.

I guess I should provide some context at this stage. My son was in the Fire Squirts Camp put on by the Novato Fire Department. Thankfully, he wasn't leaving a burning building. He was leaving the practice tower the firemen use. Still, four stories up is four stories up.

My son has had an issue with heights in the past. Hotel balconies aren't his favorite nor is walking by the railing on a raised walkway. The firemen told me that yesterday it took him 20 minutes to build up the courage to go out that window. Today, with about 100 people watching, it only took him about 2 minutes. He even turned, took his hand off the rope and waved at us below and gave the fireman in the window a fist bump before decending.

Sure, my son learned first aid and how to put out a grease fire this week. But, what he really learned was, "You can do this. You can do things you think you can't do even when your own brain is screaming at you to run away."

Seeing my son's courage to overcome one of his most significant fears has really inspired me to look at my own fears. What am I missing out on in life because I'm not willing to climb out the window and see what's below?

I've worked in jobs in the past for people who weren't very honest and, frankly, not very nice. I stayed in them too long because they gave me a title I wanted and pay for a comfortable lifestyle. I also stayed in them because I was afraid that, if I left, someone else might not give me that title and that comfortable lifestyle. What if I didn't have a business card with a title on it? How could I answer when someone asked me what I do?

Sure, good people were being laid off to prop up an internet stock price or increase a software company's valuation, but I still got to be "an executive." In retrospect, I should have moved on to the next chapter much earlier in these situations. It was time to get up, throw a rope out the window and rappel out of there. Granted, the highest office I've had in my career was only on the third floor so this is not as dramatic as it sounds.

Still, I hope my son has learned a life lesson today. I hope he learned the same lesson he taught me today. Don't let fear box you in. If you are in a situation where you can't find the door to opportunity, use the window.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a Fish? No, Sausalito's AquaMan is Here!

Sausalito has its very own member of the Justice League. I know, because I saw him on Father's Day from the very cool Bar Bocce that my family took me to. We had just finished a game of bocce ball and collected our first round of refreshments when "AquaMan" decided to crank up his jet pack and start flying around in the bay in front of us.

What? No cape?!

For just a smidge under $100,000, the JetLev R200 can be yours and you too can fly 28 feet in the air with the help of a pump you drag along the water below you. It is pretty impressive to see in person. Like a helicopter, he hovered in the air and then angled himself forward to go rocketing off to another part of the San Francisco Bay.

I'm almost completely certain the owner of this JetLev is single. I mean think about the conversation you'd have with your wife about purchasing a JetLev.

Wife: "You want to buy a jet pack for the water?"
You: "Yes! It will be so cool!"

Wife: "How much is it?"
You: "$99,500. It's not like it's a whole $100,000!"

Wife: "Is this something we can do together?"
You: "Ummm. You can watch me and if I get close enough to shore I can spray you with the jets of water."

Or, for $84,000, you could have this instead.

This is just not a conversation that is going to go well. It turns out that $100,000 actually buys you a lot in the way of water entertainment if you give up on the idea of flying. If you are willing to be on the water instead of flying above it on a suped up waterpik, there is currently a 53-foot sailing yacht for sale in Sausalito for $84,000. Sure, you aren't flying, but good luck sipping champagne and getting frisky with a special someone in the JetLev. If you own a JetLev, that is just one of many "solo activities" you'll probably enjoy. If you own a yacht instead, you can sail all the way across the bay from Sausalito to Tiburon with other people. 

For those of you considering getting your own JetLev and thinking to yourself, "What could possibly go wrong? There's no way I could embarrass myself with something so cool!" Then, as a public service announcement, I leave you with this video.

Slumming with the Queen

There she was, Queen Elizabeth the Second, in all her glory, sailing down the Thames on the "Royal Barge." What, what? Did the words "royal" and "barge" just appear in the same sentence? That can't be right.

They named the barge? Really?

What is going on over there across the pond? I'm a little concerned. Here in America we have people like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, who have ascended to their pop celebrity thrones by being the daughters of the guy who got O.J. off and the guy whose hotels used to be nice, but are kind of run down now, and they fly around in private jets and party on yachts. Yet, in England, the Queen celebrates her 60 years on the throne of actual royalty not by sailing down the Thames on the "royal yacht " or the QE2, a cruise ship named after her, but instead is sent down the river on a barge ala Huck Finn style? This has my crumpets in a knicker!

Jerry Brown Unveils the Queen's New Budget

What other parts of the British royalty have been downgraded? Does the Queen leave the royal barge to be taken in the Royal PT Cruiser to the Royal Bowling Alley? Is she then served Royal Buffalo Wings? I'd like to know just how deep these budget cuts have gone. Is Jerry Brown doing the budget for the royal family these days?

Now, I may not be an authority on the British monarchy, but I have watched Downton Abbey. I can tell you that none of the characters on that show, including the gay cranky butler, would be found dead on a barge. They would take their ellaborate costumes and their overly dramatic gazes into the camera and find a boat with an actual motor.

And where's the British Navy in all of this Queen on the Barge Business?! You guys sunk the Bismarck and now you can't provide a boat with a motor for the Queen? I mean the "HMS" in the name of your ships stands for "(In) Her Magesty's Service" and you send The Queen down the Thames on the HMS Git'Er Done?

Faster then the Royal Barge! By the way, where's the driver?

So, the next time on I'm down south on a Duffy electric boat going 5 knots through Newport Bay, I will think to myself, "I could totally beat the Queen's barge right now!"