Who We Gonna Take to the New Planet?

NASA's Kepler space probe has found Kepler-22b. While not the most sexy brand name for a planet, Kepler-22b does have the advantage of being able to support life. In my mind, this raises two questions:

1. Why is NASA looking for a "back-up planet" and does that mean they are taking this climate change thing more seriously than Sean Hannity?

2. Who we gonna take?

Think about it. If we are moving to a new planet, then this is an excellent time to weed out some of the less than stellar members of our society. Obviously, if NASA has a probe out there looking for another life-supporting planet, then they must also have a secret shuttle ready to take select members to "KP-B" (the planet's rap name).

Okay, let's break this down by category, so we make sure we have everything we need.

Entertainment:

Spielberg, all aboard! Your in! Your movies continue to explore new ground and goodness knows we'll need the entertainment to put up with the 600-light-year trip to KP-B. Lucas, sorry, you are staying here. We'll just have to wait for the reviews to hear how Star Wars 14: Revenge of the Thong turns out.

Glee cast, sorry, but not everything in life is worth a song and your constant singing and dancing would get a little much by the time we were passing Mars. Piers and Simon, to answer your question, Yes, America does have talent and neither of you are American, so do the math. KP-B does not have "celebrity judges" nor fake puffed-up journalists.

Government:

Sorry, but you all have to stay on Earth and continue to do the "great job" you are doing running things. Okay, maybe the Prime Minister of Canada can come along and lend a hand. They seem to have a pretty stable economy and mostly friendly people up there. But, Boehner and Pelosi, you guys get to stay and do press interviews about each other. As far as the U.S. Presidential Race, do we really look that interested? Just send us an email and let us know how it all turns out.

Food:

Sorry Cinnabon, but we are trying to keep the average weight on KP-B under 200 lbs. In & Out, all aboard! You're in! There's always room for a good burger. I mean we aren't vegans or anything high maintenance like that on KP-B. And you Vietnamese folks, come on down. We need the Pho!

Guidance:



Craig Ferguson, The Oprah of Our New Planet

 Sorry, Oprah, but until you put someone else's picture on the cover of your magazine just once, you don't get to come to KP-B. We don't need the new planet crowded with 499 billboards with your face on it. KP-B is a NOprah Zone, though I hear the catch phrase "WWOD" ("What would Oprah Do?") is starting to catch on there. Craig Ferguson, welcome aboard. You are the Oprah of KP-B. Show us how to take ourselves less seriously in our new digs.

Industry:

Energy industry, are you really asking? I mean NASA did have to find a whole new planet for us. That sort of makes your resume read like "Destroyed first planet, but really feeling good about career prospects on KP-B!" Apple? Well, it's really not our decision since they've already trademarked "iPlanet."

Well, I guess that about does it. I'm headed home to start packing. I want to be ready when NASA calls. I mean they are calling right? I'm on the list right?